I feel like talking.

For my whole life, I’ve been a Christian. But recently I stepped back and took a good look at what that really meant to me. By calling myself a Christian, I was subscribing myself to a lot of ideals that I don’t support in any way. Even when I was as Christian as they come, I shaped that God into something that wasn’t described in the Bible. I’ve always had difficulty believing in a God who would deny love between any two people simply because of their gender; I’ve never thought that God really meant women to serve the purpose they’re told to in the Bible; and I have been utterly disgusted by a lot of Christians and almost every church I’ve been to due to their backwards beliefs.

I don’t know why I’ve held onto a belief that has caused me this much distress for so long. Don’t get me wrong—I’m not entirely denying Christianity. At this time, I really don’t know what to think of it. I mean, it’s really difficult to think of something that’s been true for your entire life as a possible fraud. And I think that Jesus was a rockin dude; he was a truly good person. I just don’t know if the whole concept makes sense to me anymore.

It’s scary to put this on the internet. It’s scary to think that my sister might see this. It’s scary to imagine what my entire family would think of me. Would they consider me a heathen? Would they feel uncomfortable around me? Would they understand my absolute confusion at this point in my life? I don’t know. There’s a lot that I purposely don’t tell my family about because I don’t want them to think differently of me. I’m the same person that everyone knows, but they wouldn’t think that if they knew everything about me.

Anyway, I’m really sick of living like this. I want to be honest with those who mean the most to me, and if they can’t accept me, then I’ll jump over that hurdle when I reach it. Sam has been the only person that I can tell everything in the world to for a while now, but I need more than him. When I die, I don’t want the false warmth of my smile to be left behind with my family; I want them to remember my ideas, to remember my spirit as it truly is, and to admire the fact that I endlessly searched for my own truth.

(I’ll probably post more about this kind of thing from now on. I just think it’s about damn time that I shared my thoughts.)

Alright. I’ve been feeling terribly depressed lately, so I’ve essentially been shutting myself off to the world. I’ve been rude and not quite acting like myself, and I’ve noticed that I’m just being kind of mean in general lately. Well, ladies and gents, no more shall this be happening! I am sick sick sick of feeling bad for myself and not letting myself share the love in my heart with the world. So I’m going to change myself back to myself. I’m getting rid of all of this stupid shit that I’ve been feeling and I’m moving on. I’m going to get motivated. I’m going to create more. And I’m going to read rather than watch Toddlers in Tiaras all day. 

I’ve been waiting and waiting for this slump to end, but I can’t do that any longer. I’m losing my mind carrying on like this. I’m making an active change in my life, and I feel really good about it.

Every time I’m left at school, I feel like I’m being completely abandoned. I’m utterly alone here. Any semblance of friendship that I had built has disintegrated in the past month. I am sick and tired of waiting for each day to end just so I get get up in the morning and wait for the sun to set again. And I am so fucking sick of crying about this. I hate college.

Speaking of emabarassment in public restrooms…

I donated plasma yesterday, but didn’t eat enough beforehand, so I was feeling a little woozy. When I got back to my dorm, I took a shower to make myself feel a little better, only it didn’t really work and I just ended up feeling like I couldn’t breathe and then I sat down so I wouldn’t die. Next thing I knew, I was opening my eyes and found myself sitting in the doorway of my shower with the curtain open. No towel. Naked.

I’m pretty sure no one saw me, or else they probably would have stopped to be like “Hey you crazy, what the heck do you think you’re doing being naked and unconscious in MY bathroom?!” But still, bad news, brotha. That could have been bad. And the worst part is that I couldn’t steady myself enough to put conditioner in my hair, so now I’m all full of static.

So, I was just in the bathroom in the library and I thought I was totally alone, but then I heard some rustling in the stall beside me and I found out that someone else was in there.

I may or may not have been talking to myself while I was peeing…